Life is a paradox and then some.
On a programme my mother and I were watching on television, a dog jumped up at someone.
"That's one thing that's so nice about dogs," mum said, "they love you no matter what."
"Yeah, but dogs are capable of loving others not just their human friends," I said. "I've had dogs come up to me to play and lick my face even though I've never met them before."
"Yes, they do but that doesn't mean the dog loves you. Otherwise, the dog would be a traitor to his owner."
I didn't share my mother's views. I believed my mother was talking about personal love where you're expected to only love special loved ones or you're betraying their trust. I believe in loving many people. I let it go and we discussed something else. For some reason my mother's comment had touched a nerve. Why was I feeling this way?
I woke up in the middle of the night and I lay awake for hours. I listened to the inner sound in my right ear which lets me know when I'm tuned in with Spirit. I felt overwhelming love all around me. I kept thinking of someone I met recently, someone I care very deeply about even though we've only just met. I recalled my mother's comment and I realised that I did know what it was like to be devoted to someone. I was devoted to the man I was thinking of.
Before I went on the "spiritual path," all the relationships I've had have been what I would call "personality" types relationships. Even when I was in love it was based on fear and control. I wanted to be loved completely but then I couldn't trust in the love. When I did something he didn't like and he withdrew emotionally, it was very painful. After we split up and I focused on "awakening" I vowed I would never look to another for love. I would have to find that fulfilment within me.
When the Love within me awakened I knew myself to be Love and felt this flowing out into the universe. This Love doesn't play favourites, it embraces everything and everyone. I stopped believing in special love. Why love just one person when you can love everyone and experience love from all? I felt the same love for everyone including my mother, strangers, people I chat to in forums, people I get chatting to etc. While I have met people I felt a connection to based on our mutual love for God and walking the path, I didn't love them any more different than I do others. On the odd occasion, when I've sensed someone wanting to be treated as special I've backed away because I've known that what they were seeking was not love from me but the Love presence.
That doesn't mean I have not been in love, however. There are some guys I have fancied. I even experienced that feeling of being in love with a friend last year but it didn't work out. I wasn't crushed like I used to in "personality relationships." I simply channelled all the love into my writings and loving the universe. While I’m still friends with this man I don’t feel a strong love for him just an impersonal love that wants the best for him, like I do with everyone.
Here comes the paradox. While I’ve been experiencing only impersonal love, at the back of my mind has been a longing I’ve had to be with someone very special. Since I was a child, I’ve always known that I came into this human game with a partner. I knew that he was born in a white body. I knew he existed and that one day we were going to meet up. He was the man of my dreams. As I got older, I "forgot" about my "dream man." I guess I was caught up in education, finding a career, and day to day living. Like most women I was looking for my Mr Right and I went through the process of dating and relationships and getting my heart broken, or so it felt like at the time. I remember after I broke up with one boyfriend. I was so depressed all I wanted to do was sleep. Every time I woke up the pain was so overwhelming I consoled myself in sleep wishing I could sleep forever. In one dream I met this man who wore glasses. He had the most wonderful hug. He was so gentle and loving and I wanted to be with him forever. It was like coming home. Then I woke up and I realised it was only another poxy dream, which made me even more depressed. I wondered who the man was. Over the years I’ve had several dreams of this man. While his face keeps changing, the love I feel for him has been the same.
Early this year I got in a dialogue with a friend on the Internet and we discussed relationships. I said that I had always known there was someone I was meant to connect with that is right here on earth with me. He is the man of my dreams. I had this great longing to meet him. Was I ready to meet him? Then I realised I was ready. Being ready has nothing to do with what I've achieved in human terms or things that I have, but it's about being awake to my true self. Now that I know that the Love that I was seeking in relationships is who I am, I'm not looking to him for that love but to share my being with him. I know that no matter what choices he's made, he cannot pull me away from "my path" of Love as I am Love.
A while back a friend discovered my blog and got in contact to thank me for sharing. He shared his blog and we started exchanging emails. I liked what he had to say and admired how he was living his truth. We exchanged more emails and he even gave me insights to who I am being. The thought never crossed my mind that he could have been the one I had agreed to meet. Besides, he has his own "karmic" ties to deal with and the last thing I want is to get involved. After a few months we agreed to meet up. The moment I met him I knew that there was a bond that was far deeper than I've ever known. How can I feel such a special love for someone when in theory I am only capable of impersonal love? At the same time, I couldn't deny this feeling, this connection that I feel with him that goes beyond time, space, karmic ties and concepts of love. I have always loved him and will always love him. Now I know why my mother's comment about being a traitor had touched a nerve because I know what it feels like to be devoted to another.
One thing I know that no matter what we go through, the choices we make together or apart, he has my undying devotion. I am not going to define what this bond but I'm just going to trust my instincts on this. I love him because I love him.
Is it possible to have a special love and still love everyone? Yes. This special love I feel for my dream man doesn’t take away from who I am being. I still want the best for everyone. I am still committed to supporting everyone on their path. I still love everyone.
And yet, I am hopelessly devoted to the man of my dreams.
Related articles: Pandora's Box; Loving What I Love; One Love, Many Guises and Special Relationships; The Power of Inner Silence