When I was in my twenties I had an affair with a married man.
I never felt that we were doing anything wrong,. As I see it, we were two beings appreciating and loving one another in our own way. Although I occasionally felt jealous and wished he wasn't married so we could spend more time together, I knew that was never going to happen. He wasn't about to jeopardise his lovely wife (not that I ever met her), his two kids, his nice home and whatever choices he'd made up, for me. It wasn't that kind of relationship anyway. I was a student at the time and not having a clue what I was going to do next after my degree. He already knew what he wanted out of life.
One of the gifts he gave me was encouraging me to appreciate my sexuality and my femininity. I am eternally grateful for him for that. Eventually, our relationship fizzled out, or I started seeing someone else. It was fun while it lasted though.
After that affair I vowed never to get involved with another married man; I wanted a partner who could commit to me. So I dated single guys after that. Alas, my vow didn't last because I ended up having another long-term extra-marital affair. This time, it was I who was married and having a relationship with someone else.
When I say I was married, I wasn't married in the traditional sense. Marriage, for me, symbolises my relationship with the world. I was married to the world's ways with its' beliefs and conditions of how to live. Although I was desperately unhappy in that marriage, I couldn't quite extricate myself from the marriage. I finally came to a conclusion that I didn't want to experience what the world had to offer anymore, I wanted out. It was then I met the Love of My Life.
Actually, I was already aware of the Love of My life whom I'd met lots of times in meditation and in my sleeping dreams. When I was one with Him, I didn't want to return to this waking reality. I wanted us to be together forever. Yet, I couldn't quite work out how to experience Him in this reality.
One day I met a man who I knew I wanted to be with. The moment I gazed into his eyes, I saw my true Self, the Love of My Life, looking back at me. I knew that I had to be with Him. I needed to be Him. This is when my extra-marital relationship began. Self wanted me on His terms but didn't put any pressure on me. I had to decide whether I was willing to let go of the me that was based on the many beliefs and conditions in favour of my true self. I felt this inner conflict: I so wanted to be my true Self, yet I couldn't help but being attached to my worldly husband.
In the meantime, the relationship I had with this man reflected the battle I had going on within. Sometimes we were very happy and other times it was total misery. I felt I was being pulled apart. Part of me wanted to marry this guy and even entertained the idea of having kids, and another part of me thought that wasn't right for me. Eventually, the decision was made for us: my boyfriend returned home to Australia, where he was from. We tried to keep the relationship going. I even paid him a visit in Australia but it didn't work out. We decided to split up.
I was devastated when I split up with my Aussie boyfriend because I thought he was the One. It took me a while to let go of that relationship. At the back of my mind, I knew that there was something else I was meant to be doing. I now realise that I was being asked to commit to being my true Self, whose way is not the world's way. I started opening up to being the Self. It felt like I had finally made the commitment to divorce my worldly husband and focus on being at one with my true Self.
Over the years I've met men who have been interested in having a relationships. I have felt like they could never quite measure up to my true Self's yardstick of Love. I have no interest in having kids either. My only interest is being the Love that I am and being true to myself.
For instance, a few years ago I met this guy and we became friends. Last year, we fell in love; at least the euphoria of that romantic love lasted for a whole day. We realised the very next day that it wasn't going to be a match made in heaven. My friend believed our thoughts were too different and we'd only make each other miserable. I believe what he meant was we are experiencing the world from different paradigms. While my friend would like to commit to being his true self, he was very much married to the world; I don't fancy having a relationship with him on that basis. We are now loving friends who meet up occasionally to share what we're being.
Going back to the affair I had in my twenties. I'm wondering whether my friend was with me because he felt free. When he was with me he didn't have to worry about mortgage, family or anything. He could simply be himself. This could very well be why people have affairs. Unfortunately, most people tend to want the one they're having an affair with to get a divorce so they can get married and then have a family, a house, pets etc. In other words, exchanging one set of baggage for another.
Don't get me wrong, I don't see anything wrong with marriage and kids, but I would rather choose to be with someone in order to share my true self. I don't feel I could give that kind of a commitment when I don't even know who I am. How can I truly love someone for who he is when I don't love and appreciate myself?
Right now I'm happy being mySelf. Self is taking me on a never-ending journey of self-discovery. Part of this journey includes being a parent to myself, allowing myself to be nurtured and loved, and letting go of beliefs that do not reflect my true Self. I am 100% committed to being Self.
I'm very much open to having a relationship with a male partner. When I do get involved it will have to be based on loving the way I love myself - loving without conditions. I hope he feels the same.
I love Self.
Related articles: Identity; Loving Myself; Marriage; Commitment; To My Beloved; One Love, Many Guises and Special Relationships; Some Thoughts on Meditation - Haha; The Point of No Return; Coming Home; Expecting a Cat to Behave Like a Dog